The Art of The Critique (Part 5)

Alright.
We've talked about the need for critiques, how to get them, how to give them, and a quick word on etiquette.
"Now show us some concrete examples," I hear you ask. Really. I hear voices all the time.
These are some critiques I got from 'Critters' about a story I first posted on this list, called 'Chocolate'. (This was Challenge #1, as some people may vaguely recall.)

I got the full gamut on that one. Most people liked it, some people were picky, and at least one person hated it. So here are the examples of the range.

Example #1:
Here is an example of a Crit that is really pleasant to receive, but not actually terrible useful.

"

As the story opened I thought No, not another story about a killer and his sick obsession with the girl next door. He'll kill her and the stories over. How many has this been done? As I was reading Choclate became something darker and more fun than a tractor pull. I liked how had your male character come over just to kill her and then finds that she's actually glad to see him. It almost felt as if you you were pulling towards a dream angle but as she told him about the cancer it destroyed that and I realized that this going past the stage where he wakes up and he's still alone. It left the dangling question of why is she doing this? Is it the cancer, and the fear of dying that has made our female so receptive to him?

The plot kept throwing disarming clues at you and at the end everything is answered and we realize that she truly hated him. I loved that. It became a case of the killer becoming the killed. It could have been easy for us to feel sorry for this guy but right at the beginning you told us what his intentions were and there the end justified the means. The death by chocalates was original and down right scary. I swear because of you I will never take candy from strangers. There should be no problem selling this story. It was highly entertaining and readable. You're writing style is clear and easy to read and I was sucked into the story. I hated to see it end so soon, and I'm sure other readers will feel the same way.

The question you're dying to have answered is would I change anything. No, nothing. Yes, the story is short but the plot isn't hampered by it and the dialouge and detail are done well. I never got the impression that this was a rushed story and it is so easy to fall into that trap when dealing with short stories. Writers want to throw as much in as they can but they also lose a great deal as a result. I realize this is short but I can't say anything bad about this story at all. I would be interested in reading anything else you have written and would recommend your work to friends as well as family. Keep up the good work, and I know that this will be published.

"

I mean, that was great! I loved it. Unfortunately, as crits went, it didn't actually
contribute to anything other than my ego.

Well, since it was clear that my ego was in need of deflation, THIS arrived within minutes of the first one:

Example #2:

"

The story is cliche. It was in the first paragraph when I guessed the ending which basically ruined the entire read. I knew what was going to happen so I wasn't shocked or surprised when she informed the wanna-be rapist that the poison was in the chocolates that he had consumed.

Your characters were paper thin--I didn't feel a thing for Nathan. I didn't even hate the man. The sudden change in Monica from being a gracious host to a cold-hearted informant of her true feelings was just a little too fast--there seemed to be no foreshadowing(excepting for the fact I already knew it was going to happen).

The phone line made me laugh quite a bit and was the best part of the tale--just
to be blunt about it.

But don't be dampened by my seemingly horrid critique. The story isn't bad--it
has just been done before. Your writing style is good, I just want to see it used on a more original idea.

"

Again, not terribly helpful. But ample proof that you can't please all the people
all the time!

Example #3:
Now this one was thoughtful and useful. This wasn't the MOST useful crit ...
that one was pages and pages long and detailed every single one of my grammatical flaws, as well as making useful character observations. It was far longer that the original story! Sadly, too long just include quickly as an example.
This one was pretty good, though:

"

Robbie, thanks for the chance to read your story. Please see my comments below.
Overall: A short slice of the tables being turned. I thought it was pretty good, but felt a bit rushed- I didn't get too much sense of either of the characters in it. I guessed what was coming (but not the reason why) when Monica says that she can't swallow the pills. i guess because of the title, and the fact that she says that she made the chocolate herself clued me in to the rest of it. I liked the last three sentences, the irony of it catching up on him.

A couple of comments:

Tonight,Nathan wasn't going to take no for an answer any more.
Your opening line: having read the story through, what evidence is there that
he has ever had to take no for an answer yet? If Monica had said no to him then it would make her welcome seem more suspicious, if you are talking about other people saying no to him, there is no real mention of this other than the vague "The others warned me about you..." line. I'd also lose something from this line- I think the Tonight. I'm not sure why- I think it's important to set up that this is a turning point in his life- from going from sad case to potential basket case. Tonight isn't the issue- it's the fact that once he doesn't take no for an answer then things have
changed permanently. (Otherwise, I'd leave the Tonight and lose the 'any more' at the end.)

Monicaopened it. She looked pale, but serene.
From this sentence to "It was peculiar how friendly Monica was." Reading this
through the first time I was fine with this, but finishing it, it made me wonder. There is no surprise in Monica that he is there- no break in her conversation before she invites him in. You explain towards the end that she doesn't like him and has had warnings about him and that's the reason she's going to kill him, but I think it needs a little more. Either Monica is crazy, or already a little drunk/ drugged, or she knows more about him than she says she does- that is if you want her to remain any sort of a sympathetic character: the reader knows that he is one step away from being a violent rapist, but she doesn't. She seems to make her decision
to kill him instantly, with no hesitation or doubt. I think I would at least try to have some sort of hesitation at the door. Perhaps she could start to say something about it not being a good time, and he shows something that shows he is potentially violent, and that is when she decides he should come in. Just
my humble opinion.

He'dtalked to her a few times before, and apart from that one time at anotherneighbour's party, she'd acted as though she really didn't want to haveanything to do with him.
What time, what happened? I presume it has something to do with why he is so fixated on her now, or is it because she happens to be there- is he obsessed with her or women in general?

Then Monica sighed.
"Look,I may as well come clean. This is all because... well, I'm going to die."
Kind of a drastic change in tone...

"You know, I've ... always fancied you."
This is him speaking isn't it? If so; uggh- sensitive guy (but then we knew that from his opening intentions.) This little bit here has the potential to be extremely black humour in terms of the development of his character-you could push this a bit, and I'd look at her replying with something rather than the simplicity of the next sentence, "He took her then".

"You know, Nathan, I've always thought you were a slimy little shit."
This line and the following did make me question the previous sex scene. I'm not quite sure whether you intended it to be him forcibly taking her, or her simply not bothered that he does because she knows what's coming and what she's done to him. (It does though bring in questions about what stage she is at of the pill taking- she goes downhill very quickly after this.).
I'd just wonder whether it would work better without this...the build up to it, but not actually doing it. Maybe it's just cause I don't like Nathan, but from the picture of Monica you've painted and how in control of her own and his death she is, I don't want to think that she would 'get caught' like that...

As I say, I think you've got a tight little piece here- it was good to see the bad guy get his, but I'd just like to see a bit more development of both characters- I think you could get another 500 words out of this, still keep it short, and give a depth to it.

As always, take what you want and leave the rest...
Thanks for the read

"

So there we are. I hope that someone found these articles useful.
Robbie